Our minds cannot repel logic of that magnitude!
Rants & Raves
Blizzard Entertainment’s non-existent support
Jun 27th
So I am one of the unfortunate souls who have at one point in their lives sold their lives to Blizzard Entertainment and their gaming “sensation” known as World of Warcraft. I’m also sure that I’m not the only one who has realized that for the $14+ you spend every month you get absolutely no customer support at all. Give them a call on the phone: they’re always “experiencing a high call volume” and can’t place you in their queue. So they hang up on you. Send them an email: you’ll wait more than a week for a response. You’ll also be gambling that the response you get even does anything at all to solve your issue. Call the support line the second they open: they’re already experiencing a high volume of calls.
So seriously Blizzard, what do I get for my $15.17 (after taxes and whatever other bullshit you charge me for)? If I’m paying a subscription fee for something, I expect to get at least some inkling of support. Not with you apparently. My fees must go right into someones bank account. They clearly don’t go anywhere towards support reps or a Helpdesk that works.
So let me tell you what my first step is going to be when I get access to my account again is: stop paying for it. I don’t give a shit if a new expansion is coming out soon, or if the sequel to my favorite RTS comes out in less than a month, I refuse to give Blizzard any of my hard earned money for a product you can’t ever get any support for. Until you clean up your bullshit you’ve lost a previously loyal customer.
iDitched the iPhone, now iHappy
Jun 17th
Yep – that’s right…I ditched my iPhone. More specifically (and significantly more importantly), I ditched AT&T and their shitty service. Now I actually have a phone that works in my home – what a novel friggin concept, right?
Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not dissing the iPhone entirely. It was a great phone to me – when I had service and before I tried out the 4.0 OS. The lack of service in my house, or in anybody’s house, for that matter, was incredibly discouraging and frustrating. It was only a matter of time before I jumped ship.
Earlier in the day on Tuesday, I had found that my iPhone was bricked. Monday night I upgraded to the latest 4.0 beta OS given out by Apple. Wake up Tuesday morning, and I’m bricked. Soooo…I make a simple phone call to AT&T and find out my contract ETF (Early Termination Fee) was under $100. Alright, fair enough, that’ll make the blow less if Apple doesn’t fix my phone. So I make an appointment at the Genius Bar, go to the mall, and walk in to get my phone fixed.
Walking into an Apple store is like walking into a hippie-frat house. They’re so smug and pretentious it makes me puke just to walk in the store (that’s the hippie part). Sure, you’ve got good hardware. Sure, Mac OS X is more stable than Windows. But your shit is so retardedly overpriced it’s not even funny. But anyways, I sign in that I’m there and await my turn. Meanwhile a guy comes in with a MacBook Air to get fixed. They start working on it and he pulls out a Nexus One. This is where the frat part comes in. This guy was like a Alabama Crimson Tide fan walking into the Auburn Tiger’s stadium when the two play one another in the last game for the championship. I mean, everybody was brutal – “oooh, somebody’s got the droid, he’s not cool enough for the iPhone” and a whole slue of other shitty remarks come out from the Apple employees and customers alike. Gag me.
So they come up to fix my phone. They’re going to restore it, great, except for the fact that (and even I knew this) – attempting to restore a 4.0+ device down to 3.1.2 is just going to brick it further. Great job, genius (insert sarcasm). Luckily, I had AppleCare, so he says they’re going to replace it outright. What really got me to switch, though, was what he told me about my “old iPhone 3G” (sic) and the 4.0 OS: ”the 4.0 OS just isn’t designed for old hardware like your iPhone 3G – I’ve got a 3GS right here that you can purchase so you can run the 4.0 OS.” Easy there, trigger – my ass isn’t buying a phone right now, replace my old one.
Seriously? You tell me I shouldn’t run your latest and greatest operating system that says it will work on my phone, because my phone is “too old”? Fuck, the phone is less than 2 years old! Why the hell would I purchase another iPhone just to know that in 2 years Jobs is going to render it obsolete with their shitty OS upgrades. No thank you. I’ll go with a phone and a platform that doesn’t come with all the balls and chains.
Speaking of ball and chain, one of the best things that I’ve found about the Droid so far is the marketplace. Sure, they have a bunch of shitty apps that are just there because any dumb schmuck can pay $20 and piece together tutorials – as opposed, of course, to Apple’s App Store which has the gestapo making sure every app is up to par with Steve’s glorious outlook on life – but at least they’re on a market where the consumer gets to decide the best app for the job. The Android market is true capitalism and laizzes faire. The App Store is simply Apple’s implementation of a dictatorship and a police-state. I’ll take some freedom with my phone, thank you.
This brings me to telling you about my reading through Gizmodo, because I’ve fallen behind, and I saw an article about how AT&T in their infinite-douchedom had to suspend the sales of the iPhone 4 because their ordering system collapsed. I cannot express how little that surprises me, to be perfectly honest. AT&T was the major reason for the demise of the iPhone in the United States. Hell, if I lived in Canada or the EU, I would probably still have an iPhone – because I wouldn’t be jailed to what has got to be one of the shittiest cellular carriers in the world.
So now I have a less than 24-hour old, still brand new with the wrapping still on iPhone 3G 16gb to sell on eBay. The funny part? This two-year old device that won’t run Apple’s latest bullshit iOS will sell on eBay for more than I paid for two brand new Motorola Droids. I consider myself switching from one of the best smartphones on the market powered by the shittiest carrier on the market to another one of the best smartphones on the market powered by the best carrier on the market. If you fanboys want my iPhone so you can continue to be chained to the bullshit that is AT&T, so-be-it. You’ll just be one less retard completely connected to the world – enjoy having your life censored and controlled by Steve Jobs.
Why shouldn’t one grow hopes for the playoffs in The Queen City
Apr 20th
We’ve seen it time and time again. One would think we were used to it by now – but we’re suckers, and we always think that “this year is our year.” So amidst not shaving at all, some odd token to show my support for my team – and somebody please explain that one to me, I jump on the Buffalo Bandwagon and think that, well, this is going to be our year. Now I find myself thinking – why should anybody in the Greater Niagara Region (or even the GTA for that matter, since Toronto is out of the playoff picture) have any inkling of hope that “this is our year”?
Last night’s game was a disgrace! I thought game #2 was bad, but at least in game 2 we had the upper hand in at least one period. But last night’s game showed that we have just thrown the towel in. Apparently the Sabres just don’t care about winning the playoffs. The second Bruins goal last night just showed that – if we had skated in a little harder and actually taken the hit along the boards, that centering pass wouldn’t have happened. Even before that we were getting pelted along the boards and nobody was able to stay on their feet. This is the playoffs, guys – skate like you mean it!
Now I don’t want to see anybody go throwing in bull about how we’re missing Vanek. Anybody could have seen Vanek’s getting taken out of the play before the games even started. The Bruins, though they are from the crappiest city in the world, are smart – they knew that dinging Vanek and taking him off the bench was only going to help their cause. We just need to do the same thing back – Buffalo, and the residents of the city, need to learn that going after poor players like Lurch, er, I mean Chara is not going to help them any. Instead, focus your attention on taking out players like Bergeron.
We also need to play a more solid defense – we need to stop relying on Ryan Miller to do all the defensive work for us. He is not an unstoppable god in net, although many of the fans think he is. He’s only human – ask Crosby that. We also need to teach our D not to ice the puck when you have more than 8 seconds on the clock, there’s nobody in front of you, and you’re down by one – that was a dumb move. In that place, you play like it’s the playoffs – you skate the puck down and you take a shot.
Oh, and while we’re on the topic of taking shots – shoot the fucking puck when you’re trying for the equalizer! The puck is not going to go into the net solely from your attempting to fancy-skate around a defense that brought it’s A-game. The Bruins defense after they took the lead was spectacular, and the Sabres, like they always do, were just skating around, looking around, and trying to find the perfect play. Guess what guys – it’s not going to be there – just throw the puck towards the net, hope for a deflection or a rebound, and if it doesn’t go in you wash hands and repeat process.
Now don’t take this as me giving up on my team this early in the playoffs – but unless I see the Sabres throw a physical game, skate hard, and toss shots on goal then I won’t be caring. I want to see a key Bruins player (read above) get pelted and have to run off the ice to the dressing room. It’s evident that we are going to get manhandled like we did a couple years ago, and we are going to have our key players systematically removed from our lineup – dish it right back. Until we learn to endure the pain, Buffalo will continue to remain the only original NHL team that never won the cup.
An Update From The App Review
Apr 16th
This is an update to a previous post: A week under fire of the App Review Gestapo
So, guess what I get again? You guessed it! Another phone call from Apple – not surprisingly enough from the exact same guy who called me on the phone the first time. Once again, his message left for me was recorded in Google Voice. Unfortunately for me, while I wanted to record the conversation, Google Voice cannot record calls made through the Click2Call, only on inbound phone calls and he was disturbing me while I was in the middle of rocking out in Rock Band 2 in expert mode. When I called him back, he was as short as he was the first time through – only this time he recognized me, and promptly asked “haven’t we spoken about this app before?” Why yes, Richard, yes we have – in fact, the first time you gave me bullshit about “insinuating workplace violence.” His response: “well it doesn’t look like you changed anything since I last saw it.” “You’re right, Richard. I haven’t changed anything – because I wasn’t properly told what needed to change. So I sent it back in, and that time got a proper response, claiming I was infringing on Mattel’s rights to Whac-A-Mole, and I wrote up a response to that e-mail that went unanswered, so you got it right back in the status quo.”
Well, his response wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “Well, as it stands, we won’t be putting your app in our store until you remove the word ‘Whack’.” That raises the obvious question: why? It’s a common word in the English dictionary is it not? “Well, our legal team feels that the use of the word ‘whack’ when coupled with this style gameplay is infringing on the rights of the owner of the original Whac-A-Mole.”
You obviously never read my e-mail that I sent to you earlier, did you Apple? Is the e-mail address appreview@apple.com simply a black hole? Well from now on I am referring to that address as The Black Hole of Cupertino. After reciting all the rigmarole that existed in my previous e-mail, citing my speaking with members of the Library of Congress, the existing apps on the store, and all the rest of it – he wasn’t budged anywhere: “Well this is where we stand. Also, why is it that you are so reluctant to change the name of your app? We’re just asking that you remove the word ‘whack’ and replace it with something else like ’smack’ or ‘bop’.”
I think the answer to that is pretty obvious: because it’s my app. It is not yours. You have no control over what I do with my property. Secondly, because the word ‘whack’ is in no way copyrighted or trademarked by anybody. Unless tomorrow Merriam-Webster decides that they’re going to sue everybody for the use of the English language – then the name of my application should have no bearing on your decision. Furthermore, as I had said numerous times before – they do not own the rights to the gameplay! If they did, then why isn’t the family of the creator of the first ever board game, Elizabeth Magie, getting paid billions of dollars from anybody who has ever made a board game? Because gameplay is not a copyrightable or trademarkable commodity! If you had actually read my e-mails, Apple, then you would know my position on this!
“Well, we feel that this is infringing at any rate on Mattel, the owners of Whac-A-Mole.” Fine – make me pull out the next wad of guns that I have: “Well fine then, Richard, we won’t call it original work. We can call it a derivative work. We can then call it a derivative work protected under various US laws – here, ready, go grab a pen.” Yes, I seriously had him go and grab a pen and write this down. “Why don’t you cite off to your precious legal team 17 USC sections 101, 102a, 103b, 106; and while they’re at it they can read the Copyright Office’s circular 14 – also about derivative works.” “Well okay, I will pass this along to our legal team, but I must tell you this is going to be a long process, you’re better off just removing the word ‘whack’ from the name of your app.”
You’re just not getting me yet Richard, are you? Are you just muting the phone every time it is my turn to talk? Or are you seriously just that dense? “No, Richard, I am not changing the name of my app.” He has to ask the dumb question: “why?” “I already answered that for you, weren’t you listening?” “Well yes, you said because you made it and don’t want us telling you what to do – but you did agree to the developer agreement when you signed up, and we’re not going to change the rules just because you think so.”
Yes, I agreed to the developer agreement, and along with that I paid $99. And what do I get for that $99? I want my e-mails answered, I want my questions answered, and I want at least some inkling of fucking support! So, at this point, I want to talk to a manager. His response was priceless: “well I can put you down on the list and a manager will call you back in a couple of days.” Unacceptable. Purely unacceptable. “I want to speak to a manager right now.” “Well that can’t happen.”
At this point, I’m furious. I spew the US laws on derivative works at him again, also tell him that my application, named Whack The Boss is already at the US Copyright office – yes, I had already applied for a copyright, so why don’t you pass my copyright case number along to your legal hounds as well. “Well I will do that. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
“Yes, Richard. There actually is something else you can help me with today. Why, when I send a question in via e-mail, do I not get a response?” “Well I don’t actually get the e-mails, so I have no idea.” Wait a minute – so you can send me e-mails but I cannot send you an e-mail? So the app review process is a one-way street? That’s great, but now that he has successfully pissed me off – it’s time for me to piss him off. This linguistic barrage is best displayed listed out:
Me: Richard, I’ve got to say – my entire team, including myself, are very upset and disappointed with this iPhone developers program, specifically this app review process. This is nothing more than a blatant stifling of creativity on par with the Nazis burning books.
Him: Well, sir, I don’t particularly see the app review process like burning books.
(Note that he doesn’t say anything about how he doesn’t see a resemblance to the Nazis)
Me: You’re right, Richard – it’s more like the Nazis trying to shape the world.
And silence hits the other end of the phone. For a second I thought he had hung up. Nope, he was just letting it sink in. That’s right, let it sink in. Let the truth sting a little – because that is all the app review process is – Apple trying to shape the world and mold it into what Steve Jobs thinks is best. And I’m not the guy who likes to be told what’s best for me, or what I need to name my fucking product – especially if it is coming from a man like Steve Jobs, who has got to be suffering from the end of syphilis. He is going insane with power, and that insanity and corruption has leaked down to his review team. And so the saga of my fighting for my perfectly original, legitimate, and awesome app to get on Apple’s almighty-second-coming-of-Christ-platform continues.
Oh, by the way Apple – when I replaced the binary – I didn’t make any changes. Have fun reviewing the exact same application over and over and over again.
A week under fire of the App Review Gestapo
Apr 12th
So it has officially been far more than a week since I pushed our game to the App Review team over at crApple. I thought we had it in the bag – the game is polished, practically 100% bug-free, and completely original. There was nothing in my mind that would keep us from getting our game debut on the App Store. Well, up until I get a phone call – yes, a phone call, not an e-mail – from the App Review team:
Obviously Google Voice got it wrong – he actually said app submission, but whatever. So I call him back to see what the deal is. Turns out they’ve got no problem with the concept of my game, just the name of it. The name, they say, “insinuates workplace violence” and they “have a strict stance against [workplace violence].” Now, my game is sort of like Whac-A-Mole, only instead of whacking your mole, you’re whacking your boss and he’s popping up out of cubicles instead of the ground. So I go on to ask him what I need to do to get it approved. He was rather…unhelpful (there are other words I could use to describe him, but I will keep that to a minimum for once). So we get off the phone, I still have no e-mail regarding my rejection – and don’t even have one of those “Your application status has changed” e-mails. Funny. So, naturally, I whip up an e-mail to the review team:
To the App Review Team:
I was recently contacted via phone regarding the submission of our application, ‘Whack The Boss’ (Apple ID XXXXXXXXX ), by [removed to protect the not-so-innocent]. When we spoke on the phone, I was informed that our application was rejected due to an issue with the name, which I was told insinuates workplace violence. Myself and my team members, however, had another question for you with regards to our submission of “Whack The Boss”.
My partners brought to my attention the existence of another game in the App Store called “Wack-A-Boss” (http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewSoftware?id=337463689&mt=8?partnerId=30&siteID=KEmRFwU0WKY-vjcrkvyLh0yBhc_S6IrmdQ). If our submission is rejected due to the name insinuating workplace violence, how is this application in the App Store? In my opinion, our application carries with it less connotations of violence because you cannot take a picture of your boss, girlfriend, mother-in-law, or whoever you wish to pummel and place it within the game. Instead, our application includes cartoon-like pictures that we feel provides for an obvious separation of game versus reality. Also please do note that the name of our application is ‘Whack The Boss’ not ‘Whack Your Boss,’ and in no way is the name of the fictitious company in our game related to any real company.
Furthermore, we would like an explanation as to the rules Apple has regarding violence on the App Store. If it is not acceptable to bonk a boss-like looking cartoon in the face, then how is it acceptable to have a game whose sole purpose is finding the quickest way to kill yourself in 5 minutes (http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/5-minutes-to-kill-yourself/id332644698?mt=8)? If the “violence” displayed in our application is determined by your review team to be frequent or grotesque enough to warrant a rating over 9+, then we will gladly change the rating we have given our application and resubmit it.
If these are not the cases for the rejection of our application, could you please provide a more in-depth explanation on your position regarding our submission? Thank you very much and we look forward to hearing from somebody soon.
Jonathan W Enzinna
Vault Head Games
After a week of no response, I submit the binary again. This time, I get the following wad of horseshit from their team. They apparently think that I’m violating some magical copyright. Apparently you can’t poke or hit anything undesirable that moves up and down without infringing on Whac-A-Mole. Obviously the App Review team is either retarded or they seriously think that something like the movement of a sprite on a screen can be copyrighted.
Please include the line below in follow-up emails for this request.
Follow-up: XXXXXXXXXX
Dear Vault Head Games,
Thank you for submitting Whack The Boss to the App Store. We’ve reviewed Whack The Boss and determined that we cannot post your application because it appears to contain features, namely, content and terminology, that bear a resemblance to a well-known third-party, Whac-a-Mole.
Please remember that pursuant to your agreement with Apple, you represent and warrant that your application does not infringe the rights of another party, and that you are responsible for any liability to Apple because of a claim that your application infringes another party’s rights. Moreover, we may reject or remove your application for any reason, in our sole discretion.
Please provide documentary evidence that you have the rights to use this content to ensure compliance with the iPhone Developer Program License Agreement. Once Legal has reviewed your documentation and confirms its validity, we will proceed with your application review. Be aware that while your iTunes Connect Application State is displayed as Rejected, it is not necessary to upload a new binary in this particular case. However, if your application is not in compliance, and you are able to make the necessary changes, we encourage you to do so and resubmit your binary for review.
Sincerely,
iPad App Review Team
Apparently they completely missed the boat on my first e-mail. So, I whip up yet another response:
Greetings! I have a few questions regarding my submittal, follow-up XXXXXXXXX , application ID XXXXXXXXX. You state below that you cannot post our application because it contains features that resemble Whac-a-Mole. Could you please be more specific with what features are in question so that we may alleviate the problem?
If your review team feels that the concepts and actions behind our game, such as the whacking of an undesirable object or figure popping up from out of some sort of container, infringes the ‘Whac-A-Mole’ party’s rights, then you should know that upon speaking directly with members of the Library of Congress’ Copyright Office, I was informed that the action of whacking an undesirable object or figure is not copyrightable material. Therefore, while our application is a different expression of a well known concept, it does not infringe on any copyrights owned by the creators/makers of the original ‘Whac-A-Mole.’
I also have question regarding an existing application curently on the App Store that has features that you find infringing, Wack-A-Boss (http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/wack-a-boss/id337463689?mt=8). If this also contains identical features, content, and terminology, then how did this application achieve its approval and what makes it different from our application? I think tt should be known that our team has already had to rename our application once prior to submission from its original Whack-A-Boss to Whack-The-Boss because its original name was already available on the app store.
I can point to many other instances of applications that reside on the app store that have names that resemble “Whac-A-Mole” and I can point to many instances of other games that resemble it as well – case in point Whac-A-Banker, which was a major hit in Britain and was never the target of a legal suit. I see no other instances of a game called “Whack-The-Boss” on the App Store, nor can I find any other product anywhere with that name. For these reasons I do not feel that the name of our application should be any concern to Apple with regards to the review of our application.
Furthermore, if the content is what is in question, it should be known that all of our content is entirely original and 100% hand-drawn by our own artist. All of the artwork and content within our application is original, and the property of our organization. Sounds were purchased from a reputable and legal royalty-free sound supplier, as was the music loop. If the piece of our application that is in question is its features, then I will point you in the direction back to Wack-A-Boss, which currently sits on the App Store and contains nearly identical features with less graphical pizazz. Absolutely none of our content was ripped-off or stolen from other developers or applications.If any documentation is necessary in the forms of affidavits stating that our work is original, copies of any of the licenses provided with the purchased sounds and music loops, they can be easily sent. Please note that we are currently in the process of filing for a legal copyright, however the Copyright Office informed me that it could be up to 9 months before we receive an official copyright certificate. In the meantime, we hold a statutory copyright on all of the materials.
I must be frank and say that personally I have found this App Review process to be significantly more of a daunting task than it needs to be. A precedent had already been set when Wack-A-Boss was approved to the App Store, and the ground had already been paved for our application to make its way through. Yet we get rejected for reasons that should have clearly caused the rejection and/or removal of other apps that currently sit on the App Store. We feel that this is stifling creativity and has caused major upset and disappointment in entire iPhone development process both for myself and the rest of my team. It should not be as difficult as it has been for my team to get our creative and original work in the App Store for iPhone/iPod/iPad users to enjoy.I would prefer for a manager of the App Review Team to contact me via telephone at their earliest convenience so that we may resolve this matter in a timely fashion. I can be reached on my cellular phone at (XXX) XXX-XXXX. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing back from somebody soon.
Jonathan Enzinna
Vault Head Games
And here we go, back to square one. Apparently the App Review team feels it necessary to stint the creative development of products on their platforms – and they don’t want to tell their developers the reasoning behind their rejecting applications. They also don’t want to give feedback to their developers in any fashion whatsoever. Trying to call back the guy who called me early the other week gets me nowhere – no answer. Sending e-mails gets me nowhere – no response. Maybe the Apple Gestapo Review Nazis want me to hop on a plain, fly out to Cupertino, and suck Steve Job’s old and crumpled dick in order to get some action out of their review team.
When I first got my iPhone, I loved it. When I first started developing for my iPhone, I started to hate it. When I finished my first app for my iPhone, I learned to despise Apple. So where am I now? Ready to smash my phone with a mallet and mail it out to Cupertino. Best of luck to Steve Jobs and Apple in trying to get $99 from me when my renewal comes up or getting me to upgrade my device – as soon as my contract date comes up in October I very well may just go find a platform that truly supports creativity and isn’t around just to bone you in the ass every time a chance rolls along.
>> Read the update here <<
What if I were a Dwarf Fortress character?
Jan 20th
So this morning in the standard IRC channel that myself and a few friends troll throughout the working day in order to maintain sanity, a friend of mine promptly went into a craze, describing me as if I was a dwarf from the awesome game Dwarf Fortress and you had just examined me. This came promptly after I went into a rant referring to myself in the third-person complaining about the hassles of budgets and money. So this is, apparently, what I would say if I were in Dwarf Fortress and you inquired about my thoughts:
Jiffy has been irritated about money lately. He slept in a fantastic bedroom recently. He spoke to a friend recently. He was satisfied at work lately. He admired own fine Bed recently.
Jiffy is a worshipper of Freedomassurance the Constitution of the United States.
Jiffy likes Tungsten, video games, Lizzy, dogs for their loyalty and tentacle demons for their corrupt intentions.
Jiffy is quick to anger. He is somewhat reserved. He finds rules confining. He is self-disciplined. He needs alcohol to get through the working day. He likes working outdoors and grumbles only mildly at inclement weather.
Now, to be perfectly honest, all of this is perfectly describing of me – with the exception of liking tentacle demons for their corrupt intentions. That part I’m not too sure about. But all in all, great job, and kudos to thp!
Contact Form Issues
Jan 5th
Hello everybody! I just now noticed (and corrected) an issue with the contact form. Previously, I was not able to see any of your messages, or even who the messages came from, due to my not setting up the plugin properly. If you have ever sent me a message through the contact form (there’s only three of you), if you could please send your message again I’ll do my best to get back to you in a ridiculously fast manner!
